Thursday, August 31, 2006

i am just blogging this entry out for my own reference next time because i think i am at a huge milestone of my life but i admit its boring and length because i do not have good enough english to put what i am feeling in short sweet sentences. please just bear with it.

you know like when theres times where you start to question the very existence of yourself and start to doubt the things you once believed in. when i was younger in sec sch days i used to have a rock belief that we reap what we sow and as long as we work our asses off nothing is impossible the sky's the limit and yep so there was the strength to give it all i could. but when you got older you start to have this quarter life crisis where you lie in bed and tries so hard to muster strength to just get thru the day and you find that actually the strength is nonexistent. you feel mentally tired because you no longer believe in anything. you don't believe in santa claus or fate or how every human being is kind, or how everything is within our limit. you don't know what you are living for and while you try to search for that meaning you procrastinate in what you are supposed to do because supposedly you are mentally drained but the more you procrastinate the worse you feel because work is piling up and the less chances you can actually find the answer to that life crisis. and you panick when you feel you don't have the want in you to try to excel in what you are doing, which scares you because you weren't like that last time. the drive is gone. last time you gave your best shot at everything you have the want in you but now its hell gone and you panick. you are stressed because you are not stressed, which starts the whole cycle again and yada yada.

i think its a recipe for depression. does anyone else except me who's feeling all this? no? ok mayb its just me then.

but, after 6mths of facing this crisis of mine, i think, i think, i finally found my peace. i talked to a few people, i read and listened to some talks. great talks by the way.

i realised that this discontentment starts because you are discontented with what you put in and what you got in the end. you are angry because you know you can give so much more to achieve more but you fail to do so. the mind wanders to the what ifs area. what if you put in more.will things be better. why din i give more effort. there there, discontentment.so the discontentment became mental fatigue because you just hate who you are and you question what the hell you are doing, then you start to question the meaning of your life. then the whole cycle starts.

the simple solution will be to give everything you've got to get through the day. Not 80%, not 99% but 100%. in whatever you do, just don't reserve any energy. at the end of the day when you know that you truly gave everything you've got, you did everything u could to go thru the anatomy lecture, you did everything you could to prevent the next patient from getting cut, you did everything to make your house clean, what else could you blame? at least not yourself. once you stop hating or questioning yourself, things get alot happier dun they? at least for me it worked. the best feeling in the world is to know that you lived through the day without feeling sorry or guilty. justified living. its a wonder how strong the mind is at times.

soo. just, give faith. have faith. give everything you've got in anything you do.

its a wonder how the problem is actually so complicated which has to be described by like a gazillion words, but the solution is like bimbo simple. idiot simple. recipe simple. simple simple. just like someone strike the eureka thing in me when i had actually pondered so long to find my cause of emptinesss and the solution. i do admit it can be hard to stick thru this mentally. but you know what, trying is good enough.

and something i realised for myself is that when things suck and that my emotional state suck, i usually let them continue and continue until someone else change the situation or my mood to make me feel better. so i will just wait, in the meantime continue to whine or cry or be a bitch. but i just realised actually i have the capability to make myself feel better too. to actually change my mental state or garner enough courage to change the situation. which is another small step for mankind but huge step for me thingy. hurray.

that's it. that's my emotional diarrhoea. i feel liberated just like someone who finally shitted after months of constipation. relief relief.