Monday, January 02, 2006

Ok back to the recounting of 2005.

2005 was a especially hard year for many peeps I know. For me,it was a transition from a sheltered life to a life where I finally realise life's not a bed of roses. I learnt many things the hard way.

People used to comment that I'm a frog in a well. Well, I really did not think so then. They say that I'm ignorant of what's going on in the real world because my life was relatively smooth sailing. For the 18 years of my life, I did not encounter anything where I cannot choose the ending myself. I believed that as long as anyone worked hard enough, they will always get what they want. I was a freaking doe eyed optimist cum idealist.

2005 went by and I took the time to slow my pace and look at the people around me. To slow my pace and try to be there for them. I encountered some stuff and saw many incidents happening to people I love to realise that the world is so imperfect. Even if you were to work your ass off and wish for something really hard, somehow something will come around to spoil the soup and then nothing good will come out of it.

Helplessness is the word. I want to make my dudes feel better about their so called fked up lives but I see daylight that my best is not enough. It made me feel fked up as well. I was antagonised by the fact that I wasn't there for them before fkedness happened to them. I felt insignificant.

It is as though you were fighting against some force which is larger than life. You feel you can part with anything in your life to make things right for them, to see their real smiles again. You feel guilty and undeserving of what they had given you in life, but when they are in times of trouble, there is really nothing you can do to make them feel good. They offered me their shoulders to cry on when I needed it, but I'm not confident my shoulder will be strong enough when they need it.

The last friday night in 2005 really hit me hard. I believed all the people who were there felt the same fkedness as I did, prolly even more. Albeit all the stupid laughable things we said, I picked up alot of sadness from that night's conversations. Worrying for loved ones is possibly the worst feeling ever. I'm worried for the peeps there that night. You guys know who you are.

You may think I'm exaggerating, but the world never ever seem that bleak to me before that night. It was also bleak because I wonder, I wonder hard when we will ever have that kind of heck-care-drink-alot-talk-alot-of-shit-can-sit-anywhere-play-piggyback-laugh-and-cry-at-the-same-time sessions. Maybe never.

Ahhh..that's the sadness of growing up.

The biggest realization of the year for me is that giving is so much better than receiving. People give me so much till I paisei already. I want to contribute whatever I can, as a daughter, as a friend, as a cousin, as a niece, as a granddaughter, as a whatever. I really need to be a better person this year round, in order to be deserving of the love you people give me.

That I'll be good. No worries.